taxonomites | 011: [visual] & [location: Hyperion Hotel] Trying hard not to remember that I didn't

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011: [visual] & [location: Hyperion Hotel] Trying hard not to remember that I didn't

She had just finished cleaning up her room in the Hyperion Hotel. It had taken her a few days to find the right place for all the things she owned - and she had quite a lot of stuff. Clothes, shoes, accessories... there were so many. The person she was trying to remember - Cordelia Chase - was obviously fond of them. It comforted her to discover that little tidbit about herself.

With a small smile, she looked around her room. She opted to stay here, rather than going back to her apartment. Not that that place didn't suit her taste. It was just that staying here in the hotel and knowing that Liam and Wesley were just around the corner was enough to make her feel safer - especially since Taxon gave off a weird, scary vibe.

"Okay," she said, finally reaching the bottom of the last box. "I guess that's--"

BAM.

Much like last time, the pain and the buzzing in her head surprised her. She took several steps back until the back of her knees collided with the bed. Sinking on the mattress, she rubbed her temples and closed her eyes. Any moment now, the dizziness and nausea would pass. It should.

And after a few minutes, it did.

"Damn it you alien freaks! That was not funny!" she said loudly, looking up and addressing the ceiling. That had to be a glitch. She'd just been glitched, with the whole forgetting-everything-and-then-remembering-that-she-did-forget-everything part! God that was confusing, not to mention embarrassing. Yeah, not a good feeling in general.

Cordelia stood and crossed her arms. Ugh. What a nightmare. "Thought it'd be great to mess with my head, didn't you? Oh yeah, let's see how fabulous it would be after I figure out a way to make you pay, you ugly, bald, bug-eyed... retards!"

[OOC: Glitch over! :)]

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He shrugged at the how and didn't bother verbally answering it. How did people fall for one another? There wasn't a right or wrong way he could answer that; things like that just happened. You woke up one day and realized you loved somebody when they day before, you didn't. It had been that way for him and he couldn't really speak for her on that, being that it fell into the category of the many things they never got to talk about.

"It's...hard to say. There was the ballet, with the st-- but that doesn't really count. Neither does the thing with the shaman and the illusion for the..." Best to leave his brief revist to Angelus land out of this. That was one of the things he was never going to tell her about. He sighed heavily, shoulders sagging. "We never really got our moment. So many things happened and are are still happening that there really wasn't...any time for it. Other things took precedence and sacrifices had to be made."

Angel couldn't keep that devastated look off his face if he tried, for of course he spoke of more than just their failed chance at being together, but of her leaving in the forever sense. Back in LA in the time he hailed from, that chance would never come again.

Edited 2009-11-22 14:24 (UTC)

"Ballet?" she repeated. What ballet? as far as she knew they never went to a ballet - unless he was talking about an event that happened in her future, which Cordelia would bet was the case this time.

It was like looking at Angel with new eyes. It certainly felt like it. There was a moment like this that had happened before - the moment just after Doyle had kissed her, before jumping into that beacon thing and dying. Cordelia had opened her eyes after that kiss and knew the truth. But the realization that she did love Doyle was wasted because the next thing she knew, he was gone.

And Angel wasn't. He was here, and for the first time Cordelia was seeing not the man she considered her best friend, not the vampire that was her champion - but as a person who had feelings for her.

We never really got our moment.

Cordelia sucked in a much needed breath. She loved Angel; of course she did. She loved him on a level different from Gunn's or even Wesley's, but for the most part the three men were grouped together - her family. Untouchables. And now--

"Angel," she whispered, tears forming behind her eyes. She shook her head, a slight movement. "I don't-- I don't know what to say."

Tears. If there was one thing Angel couldn't stand, it was tears and he hated seeing them forming in her eyes. He stepped back up to her, raising a hand up to touch her face again, but pausing in mid air so that his fingers where hovering centimeters away from her skin as if he were unsure if he were allowed to touch her like he'd so boldly done before just a moment ago.

"You don't have to say anything," he assured, softly. "I wasn't really expecting you to."

Cordelia felt a slight moment of panic, and it's obvious in the way that she glanced at his hand so close to her face and then away from it. If he touched her again, she wouldn't-- she didn't know if--

Too late. The tears started falling - one after another, but she was quick in wiping them away. If there was one thing she hated, it was crying. If there was one thing she hated more? It was crying in front of Angel. She didn't want him to think she was weak, that she was just some pathetic cry-Buffy - she was Cordelia Chase, damn it! She never cried.

...except now, that was. Because she felt like she was disappointing him somehow, because she didn't know exactly if she felt the same way. At least, not yet. Not now.

"I-I love you, Angel," she said, feeling as though she had to tell him something. "I do. But--"

And she got no farther than that.

Hearing her say it was like having time momentarily pause around them as if it knew he'd want to bask in the moment. He'd heard her say it before, of course, but it had been when Jasmine was in her body and she was telling him that nothing could ever be due to an inability of being able to move past the horrid things that he'd done as Angelus. But, he wasn't Angelus -- Cordelia understood that, right?

It wasn't important at the moment, though, for the fact that there were now tears spilling across her cheeks took precedence. Angel pulled her to him and into his arms in an attempt to quell her tears. "Shh," he soothed. "It's alright. I love you, too, Cordelia and I know. I understand."

Angel hadn't expected her to say anything in response to his confession, after all.

It felt different, this hug. Maybe because he was the one who initiated it. Maybe because while she was in his arms, she heard him say those words - those words that, to her knowledge, hadn't been said to her in a long time. Hearing them now, from him, only made her cry harder. She knew he was trying to soothe her, but for now the tears fell faster and Cordelia tried her best to make them stop.

She wanted to tell him that she, too, felt something. She desperately wanted to tell him that - but Cordelia knew that if she did, it would only be similar to telling a lie, and she knew that he'd know it, too. For all he'd been through, Angel only deserved the truth - and for now, the truth was that she loved him, but not that way. At least, not yet.

Cordelia Chase had to do a lot of thinking and self-reflection on this one.

Angel understood, he understood well and appreciated, more than anything, her honesty in this situation. It was why he'd kept his feelings to himself, after all. He'd been right, it seemed. She didn't feel the same for him at this point, but he didn't regret telling her. Having her be aware of at least that, of his feelings for her, made withholding the rest of the information he refused to share with her easier, perhaps selfishly so, but Angel was allowed to be selfish now and again.

He didn't say anything more, both out of not trusting himself to say something that would be appropriate in this situation and understanding (or hoping, at least) that she knew he got what she meant and wasn't going to press for something else. So, he simply held her and silently wished for her tears to subside. He hated that he made her cry.

She quieted down, after a short while. Cordelia stood there, with her forehead against his shoulder and her palms curled up against his shirt. She took in deep breaths to calm and compose herself, before raising her head to look at him.

Somehow, being this close to Angel made her aware of him in a way that she never was, before. Heat rose up to her cheeks and she let go of his shirt before taking a healthy step back.

"Just... give me time, all right?" Cordelia told him, refusing to look straight into his eyes now. "This is... I don't... just give me time to... sort things out." Make an informed decision.

Because she knew that any change in their relationship would be totally dependent on her, now.

Angel nodded, shoving his hands into the pockets of his pants once she stepped away. If there was a wet spot on his shirt from her tears, he didn't acknowledge it or seem to mind. Tears were better than the blood (and usually blood that was his own) that tended to soak this garments through.

"Take all the time you need. I wasn't expecting you to change your mind right away or even for you to change it at all."

She clapped her hands once and internally winced at the sharpness of the sound. "Great! Because, you know, thinking is good and--"

As she talked, Cordelia began inching towards the door. "--the last thing we both need is more awkwardness between us, so I'm just gonna... go. Home. To my apartment. Which is also in Taxon."

By this time, she had already stepped out of the room. Only then did she allow herself to breathe. "Right."

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011: [visual] & [location: Hyperion Hotel] Trying hard not to remember that I didn't

[ location: hyperion hotel ]

[ location: hyperion hotel ]

[ location: hyperion hotel ]

[ location: hyperion hotel ]

[ location: hyperion hotel ]

[ location: hyperion hotel ]

[ location: hyperion hotel ]

[ location: hyperion hotel ]

[ location: hyperion hotel ]

[ location: hyperion hotel ]