taxonomites | 034: [ location : the sky ] the blues walked in and met me

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034: [ location : the sky ] the blues walked in and met me

It's not the first time Buffy's woken up with a shiny new set of memories, but the other times haven't been like this. The other times she hadn't found out that she's a monster. A vampire. A thing.

Losing her powers for two months, the ordeal with Angelus, losing Dean, going through that cruel glitch with Ethan, losing Giles for the second time... the combined weight of the past year spent in Taxon is finally beginning to take its toll on her, and in epic fashion.

Which is why she's decided to take matters into her own hands. Literally. Anyone looking up at the sky will see an odd, vaguely discernible blur, flying into an invisible barrier, impacting hard and then bouncing off again, only to repeat the action. Over and over. She's trying to break through the wall, and it isn't working.

[ooc: canon bump to issue #33, but before the big Twilight reveal. Gonna be slowtagging on this one due to hiatus, but there we go. ALSO she has her tablet with her, so is contactable.]

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"...was it working?" Because if it could work, it might be worth it. But it seems unlikely.

Spike frowns. "Where are they coming from?" It can't be good if it got her this worked up.

"No." Buffy's not even particularly disappointed, it's not like she expected it to work. She's just hollow, more than anything. "Dead girls. Dead Slayers. They die and with every one that dies I get stronger."

"Oh, Buffy." Spike still doesn't think of himself as great at comforting, but he drops one of her hands and rubs her shoulder gently. "Are you sure? I mean, how do you know?"

Spike actually isn't bad at comforting, but unfortunately this isn't the sort of thing that's easily fixed. "I dreamt it," she answers, before realizing that that probably sounds crazy. "The dreams here are real, sometimes. They're memories, from home. We were still in Tibet. Willow told me. Willow's scared of me..."

And with that her eyes fill with tears, ones she's been holding back for a while now.

He pulls her into a hug and rubs her back gently. "She shouldn't be. It's not you killing them. Where your powers come from-- the source may be truly awful, but it isn't your fault. You know that, right?"

"I don't know, Spike..." She sobs into that hug, letting herself be pulled. "I don't know if it's me or..." She trails off, not knowing the end of that sentence. Willow had no idea why or how Buffy was absorbing these powers, and nor did anyone else. Not yet, anyway. She tries to take a deep breath or two, to calm down. "I'm sorry."

"Hush, love, you've got nothing to be sorry about." He rubs her back lightly. "It isn't you. I know it. And if you want to somehow get rid of all the extra power, well, there's probably a way to do it." Not that Spike has any idea how, but there are people who know more about that kind of thing than him.

"Maybe," she mutters, brushing tears from her cheeks in an effort not to get Spike's t-shirt all damp. His reassurances are sweet, and she appreciates them, even if she's not sure she exactly believes them. She lifts her head finally, to look up at him.

"I'm really glad you're here." Yes, that's a very selfish thing to say, but she can't help it.

Spike smiles at her a little. "The weird thing is? Me too." And he can't help himself. He leans forward and kisses Buffy gently.

Oh dear. This is a world of oh dear, and Buffy should pull away instantly, but she doesn't. No, instead she lifts her hand to Spike's cheek and kisses him back, softly. Probably not a way he's used to her kissing him - every other time it's been desperate or violent or rough.

For a moment she loses herself in it, forgetting all the pain and grief temporarily, until something reconnects in her brain, and she pulls back suddenly. Kirk. Oh, god. She's speechless for a second, shellshocked.

For a moment, it's completely perfect. It's far from the first time they've kissed, but it's the first time it's been this sweet. It's how he's always imagined it could be, and he feels warm and complete in a way he never does except when he's near Buffy.

Then she pulls away and all of Spike's doubts that really should have kept him from kissing her in the first place come crashing back. "...I shouldn't have done that," he says quietly. He doesn't stop holding her, though.

Right now, Buffy's head is nothing short of a whirling mess. On top of the memories from home, and all the other things that prompted her to start smashing herself into the barrier in the first place, this, what just happened, is almost too much.

When Spike died, there was all this unresolved emotion - she'd finally learnt to trust him, she cared for him, she could let him hold her and feel safe, she could spend an entire night just looking into his eyes... and then he was gone. She never got to have that with him. Being around him now makes her confused, awakens all these old feelings, feelings she really shouldn't be having, because she's with someone else, who she loves.

It takes her a moment to find her voice again, and when she does, she steps back out of his arms. "No, it's not-- I'm sorry, Spike, I-- I can't." She really has to say this, and she should have said it sooner. "I'm seeing someone."

"...Oh." Spike steps away and crosses his arms. Part of him can't believe it, that he got her back just to lose her again so fast. But then, he didn't actually have her back, and he's not really losing her. He should have seen it coming. Things never work out for him, and why didn't she tell him sooner? She knows how he feels about her. And why did she kiss him back?

It doesn't matter. She's with someone else. He looks away. "Sorry. I mean... I won't do it again or anything."

The worst thing is, she wants him to do it again. Or a part of her does anyway, the part she's furiously telling to shut the hell up. Hugging her elbows, she has an almost pained expression on her face.

"Don't," she answers, too quickly. "Don't apologize. It's my fault." And now, because she doesn't know what to do, other than run away, that's more or less what she intends to do. "I should... I should go."

"Buffy, wait." Spike touches her shoulder. He's not sure exactly what he's going to say, but he needs to make her understand. He opens his mouth, the music rises, and he starts to sing.

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034: [ location : the sky ] the blues walked in and met me

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