taxonomites | [location:somewhere in Taxon][accidental visual] The aftermath

John didn't know what had happened. His head was pounding, leg ached, and he had a distinct impression that he'd been in a brawl or three. He woke on the street in some nondescript part of Taxon. How had he gotten out here? How many nights had passed? Glancing down at himself, he saw it. Blood. His hands and clothes were spattered with it. Memories rushed back. The faces of those people, shoving one off a building, a few more cut badly, twisted bones.

"No." He whispered, his eyes closing for a moment, then louder. "No!" His fist slammed into the stone wall behind him.

Helen had warned him about these glitches, but was that what this was? Perhaps it was his nature breaking the surface. Perhaps Nikola's impromptu and accidental treatment had not taken as well as they had all hoped. Maybe he was a beast too wild to be caged. He pushed himself off the ground. He'd solve this. No one would be harmed for his own sick urges.

He teleported to the top of the building he was next to and prepared to jump, arms at his sides as he thought of all the lives he'd taken. He thought of his family, or what he wished could have been his family. Helen, their daughter. It could have been so beautiful.

[[ooc - John's unglitched! Someone heeeelp him]]

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Another voice on the tablet, but this one so much more familiar.

"Take solace in this, Helen. We won't. You won't have to worry about it happening again."

Dammit, John! Throwing your life away is not going to solve what has been done! Even if you are gone, the scars are still there. Did you not learn that the first time?

"Helen, there are things I will never be able to control. I can. I can see flashes. I can see you. That fear. I cannot allow myself to put you or anyone else in danger. I won't." His voice cracked. It was a blessing that it was only her voice transmitting, and not her face. He wasn't entirely sure that he could face her.

[That is the sound of a large something hitting the counter.]

Stop being such a selfish adolescent! What do you think Ashley will think if she finds you dead all over the pavement?!

What did she have to be angry about? She knew what he was. She knew the damage he could do, and how easy it would be to start all over again.

"I can't control it, Helen. I thought I could, but I." He choked on the words. "I can not begin to explain all the things I knew I could do to you that night." Whether he was talking about the one just a moment ago, or far back in their past was unclear. "I knew exactly how I would kill you. I cannot allow myself that chance."

So, then you believe killing yourself is better? It is not. Ashley is looking for proof she can control what she is. And, you want to go and make yourself a bloody mess all over the pavement? God sakes, John. For once won't you trust someone?

"It's not you that I don't trust. It's myself. I can't trust myself." He knew he couldn't do this with her talking to him, but he didn't have the heart to disconnect the feed. He didn't actually want to die. He wanted hope that he could live without ruining the lives of those around him. Didn't Helen realize why he'd left for so long? A century of travel, and not just for the thrill of the hunt. He'd left so that she would be safe. But this city only allowed him so much freedom, and they had a terrible habit of running into one another.

"I can't bear the thought of harming you. Or her. Helen, I don't know how long I can keep this beast tamed. I fear the damage that might come. What choice do I have? Would you feel safe with me near you after all you've seen of me? After seeing the past repeat itself? Would you allow me into your home?" He shook his head, "I couldn't blame you if you refused me entrance."

Gabriel has not killed a single soul while being here. If he is capable of doing such a thing, than so are you. He has killed more than you ever had, John. He allows himself to heal and is aware of what he is and how to stop it. What you need to do is find out how to stop. Gabriel does it by trusting others and creating a family. Perhaps you should do the same.

"Do I have a family to create?" His voice was more like a whisper than anything else. He couldn't even bring himself to look at the tablet, knowing that she could see him. They had danced around this conversation for so long. All he wanted to do was ask, but asking meant getting an answer, meant knowing for certain where she stood.

"Could you ever." He stopped and tried again, "Could you ever learn to love me again, Helen, after everything?" Without that hope, what point was there?

[She is quiet for a moment.]

Trust comes before love, John. You know that.

"That really wasn't the question, Helen, but I think I know what you are trying to say." He sighed and stepped off the ledge. "I can't expect a lifetime of pain to be erased so easily. But I will try."

Trying is what matters. Don't make me repeat to you what I've had to tell a man who is going to outlive the both of us.

"A man to know a longer life than you? I never thought I'd see the day." There might have been more humor in his voice in any other circumstance. "If you are offering us similar advice, perhaps I should meet this man." An attempt at passive conversation, and a bit of a failure.

His name is Gabriel. He lives in the Sanctuary.

[location:somewhere in Taxon][accidental visual] The aftermath

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