taxonomites | [holo] they are cute for science

Midday in Taxon, there is a special arrival.

Two very exceptionally large hamsters stand on the platform of the Sanctuary's arrival room. One, pale caramel with white underbelly and gray stripes, takes immediately to unconsciously preening itself before squeaking out triumphantly, "Oh! It worked!"

The other, white with exceptionally long white fur about its head to go with its exceptional height, claps its little forepaws together and smiles a bright hamster smile. "It did! Fully synced?" There's a moment of hesitation before it realizes that, yes, it did just think and speak at the same time. Then, with a squeak to go with its fellow's, "...Fully synced!"

"Oh! Oh, yes," says the first as it approaches the tablet, ready for its big moment, "Hello citizens! Hellooo!" It waves cheerily as it speaks, "So wonderful to see you!"

"Yes! Wonderful!" The other follows the first, with a happy shake of its long fur.

"Bad circumstances..."

The second agrees, looking down with its little hamster head sadly, "Oh, yes, very bad."

"...But your endeavors are very heartening to us!"

"Full of pathos. We learned that word from you! It's so very adequate. Pathos. Should use it more often, we like it!"

"We do, we do!" And now they've both perked up, settling nicely into cheery condescension while fidgeting politely with their forepaws.

"Now, now, Doctor Doctor! Mister Doctor! The Doctor. We've got words for you!" says the second, pointing a paw forward with a weird kind of hamster smile.

"Many words!" The first seems particularly perky about this. It's very weird. "You were very troublesome, sir."

"Indeed, terrible misbehavior."

"Truly terrible."

"We'll not have that kind of thing again, sir. Nope, no not, again. So much paperwork! Forms and forms just to fix what you broke. That's not very nice."

"Not nice at all! Give you such lovely things and you go and break it," the first says, putting forepaws decidedly on wherever hamster hips are located on a giant hamster body in the universal pose of displeasure. Still sounds happy, though.

"Must've been a bad child, weren't you?"

"Now you can't have any radiation," the first says, paws still on hips with a sad shake of its head.

"Good toys go to good children," says the second, adopting a similar head shake, "and you've been very bad."

"No radiation for anyone!" There's a tiny little fist-pump (or what passes as a close approximation for a giant hamster with no fists) from the first at that proclamation. "And restrictions!"

"Hate to punish, we do, we do, but it's for the best."

The first is back to fidgeting now, forepaws in front and occasionally jumping up to preen at its whiskers, "Only the best!"

"Bad apple could spoil the bunch, couldn't it?" The second claps once then looks to the first for confirmation and they nod together before turning back. "We must be sure to keep everything tidy."

"Don't like to take you away, either, but we will if we have to."

"Oh yes we will!"

"Terrible shame," the first says with an unsettling amount of hamster cheer, "all of it."

"But life goes on!"

"It does!"

"Splendidly!"

"Oh," the first turns excitedly to the second, "did you see the BOOM! And the bit with the motorcycle and all the hurrying and the hugs? Getting together like those coggy things in their little clockworks?"

"I DID," responds the second just as excitedly, with an added little squeak of delight. "Quite liked all the smashing and scary, too. Very beautiful, couldn't ask for anything more riveting! Everyone getting along together so well!"

"Do hope to see more of that!"

"Yes! Much more!"

With that, the both of them turn back to the tablet, nodding their agreement to the citizens. Hear that? They want more!

"But within reason, people," the first clarifies.

"Question time now! Can't wait to hear from you!" The second appears almost giddy, bouncing lightly on its hind-paws as it addresses the city. "You're such wonderful personalities, aren't you? Do hurry, can't stay long!"

The first pipes up with a squeak, "Limited time offer!"

---

A short time later, when all their little conversations are not quite done, but as finished as they'll ever possibly get considering, they wave a little sadly at the tablet.

The second pipes up with a squeaky hamster sigh and shake of its long fur, "Hate to leave!"

"Oh," the first agrees, sounding happy but tired from all the excitement of talking to the citizens they've watched for so long, "we do! But we must!"

"Toodles!"

With the tiniest little shiver in the holo display, the two of them disappear from the arrival chamber, still waving to the citizens.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I know what classified means," he concedes, "but I'm a little hazy on how it applies to large, infantile rodents. That's the part about which I'm suddenly feeling really curious."

But, fine, he'll try another tack.

"What can you tell me that isn't classified?"

And now, Sol, you have gravely offended the giant hamsters, oh woe betide.

"Did he just call us infantile rodents?" The first, for now, seems the most displeased with this turn of events.

"He did, he did."

"You know," the first says, directing attention back to Sol, "we picked this form because it is a proven fact--"

"Proven! With science!" chimes in the second.

"--that humans of all types appreciate and find comfort in cuddly small things made larger artificially. Did it for your comfort, with itchy fur, and you don't even like it."

Now it sounds sad, and has successfully derailed this entire conversation.

"Would that be the same kind of science that the Doctor devised his theories about human behaviour with, or a different kind?" Sol inquires sardonically.

(This is going well.)

Stop offending the hamsters, Sol. They'll broadcast very embarrassing works of fiction involving the rose bushes.

"Pfffffffffffffffft, as if he knows science," scoffs the second.

"He's a silly stupid man and you ought to behave yourself," says the first.

Fore-paws are, again, on hamster hips.

"Your girlfriend is much better at this than you are."

Privately, Sol thinks - without even bothering to check what her conversation looks like - that Leila is simply more inclined to manipulate the hell out of people than he is. (Look, he knows her.)

"Here," he says, conciliatory, "let me give you a tip about comfort levels. Small cuddly animals are cute as hell when they're toys and pets, and the juxtaposition is disconcerting and offensive to dignity when they're talking about you like you're entertainment after removing you without consent and holding you by force. You're going to offend people and piss them off, but they'll probably talk to you civilly because how the fuck else does a person handle giant hamsters this early in the day."

...his tendency to just elucidate on the points he's noticed has been noted before.

They consider it a moment, then cross their hamster arms.

"Well," says the first, "whatever works!"

And they're back to cheery, hamster smiles and tittering and all.

"Could've gone with bikinis but that seemed a bit revealing."

"Yes," says the first again, with a nod, "the fur is very soft! Follicles itch more than expected, but it covers everything and it sets apart from human bodies!"

Sol lights a cigarette. "Threatening, shouting at and arguing with a giant carnival prize-" sorry, guys, "-is going to make most people feel like fucking idiots. Women in bikinis don't have that aura of 'the hell' that you're working to your advantage here. You're undermining respect, but you'll still probably get further. Funny."

Funny like 'all these vampires and some pasty fake Brits are the real problem' was funny, yes.

"Oh," the second giggles, "very funny!"

"Hilarious!"

"Like the joke, with the bar and the knots."

Just thinking about it sends them both into a fit of squeaks and hamster laughter.

[holo] they are cute for science

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